Dev Cycles

I’ve said before that some people find their devness is something that they must act out in real life and others are satisfied with disability in fantasy alone. There’s more to it than that, though.  I know I experience cycles, and it seems from other devs that I speak to, that they do as well.

There are “high dev” periods and “low dev” periods.  The change between these two states does not seem to have any known trigger. It’s not connected to female cycles, it can be changed by any number of different kinds of moments or experiences or thoughts. There is no telling what will bring on a change in the dev state.

During high dev, I know I become obsessive and exhibit behaviors common to addiction.  Many people find this to be a time categorized by massive creative output.  I find these periods difficult. Emotionally draining, frustrating, and not the person I want to be.

Low dev is much easier to deal with. During that time, I am satisfied with devness being for the bedroom only or even for fantasy alone. I have stronger and more authentic relationships in this period.

It is difficult to see which one is the “real” me.  When am I myself and when am I being fooled by hormones or some other brain chemistry type thing? I am currently in low dev and I have to admit that I feel a lot more comfortable with myself here.

I made the decision to try treating high dev as an addiction and see whether I can maintain my life in low dev.

I like having the choice of dating partner and not to feel compelled towards one way. It seems to me a much better thing if I can be free to fall in love with whomever is a good match for me, whether that person has a disability or doesn’t.

What bothers me most about high dev is that I don’t feel in control of it. I feel that it is controlling me and that is not a pleasant feeling.

We’ll see if this plan works.  Ideas in the past to eliminate devness have never been successful. I don’t expect to make it go away. I think devness is something that will always be a part of me.  But it’s a part that I think can be in better balance.

As part of that and also as a separate idea, I have cut back on the images of myself that I have available on the web.  I don’t think having my face connected to sexual fetish is going to make normal dating possible! Whether a guy is able-bodied or disabled, I doubt he wants to be known as the boyfriend of that girl who talks about sexual fetish on the Internet.

So far, my YouTube channel remains, but it might undergo changes in the future to reflect this.

I hope that no one feels let down.  I am a dev and I will continue to write stories to fulfill the fantasies of devs. No matter what else happens in my life, that will not change.

5 Comments

  1. Paragirl1971
    Nov 18, 2011

    Ruth, I totally agree with you on high-dev/low-dev. I have never thought of it as an addiction. Very interesting perspective.

  2. Devushka
    Nov 18, 2011

    You know, one of my best friends in college had bipolar disorder, and she would have upswings when she was at her most productive and downswings when she withdrew, and that is what the high-dev/low-dev cycle feels like to me. Kind of like being bipolar. That’s the time when I read the highest number of wounded-hero romances, watch films like “Coming Home” and “Forrest Gump” for the umpteenth time, and head over to the Paradevo message boards. It does not seem to affect my real-life love life, thankfully, except perhaps make me a little more frisky, and I’m fairly certain my partner doesn’t mind that terribly much as long as I don’t bother him while he’s trying to watch his football team play. 😛 It does, however, significantly disturb my sleep cycles by keeping my mind hyperactive. Maybe it is a bit of an addiction, as you say, but it also seems a bit bipolar to me as well.

    • RuthMadison
      Nov 18, 2011

      Interesting! I didn’t think to compare it to bipolar. Hmmmmm.

      It’s encouraging to me to hear that you don’t feel like it interferes with your real life love life. That’s the sort of balance I’m aiming for, where I don’t feel like it’s absolutely necessary for me to have a disabled partner. I would like the freedom to choose whichever guy seems right to me based on other factors like personality, etc.

      • Devushka
        Nov 18, 2011

        Well, except my real-life partner IS disabled, so it may not be the fairest of comparisons. But I will say that with him, even in my “high-dev” phases, I don’t focus on his disability. Part of that is conscious self-conditioning, and part of it is because I want him to know that I love all of him and not just the “disabled” parts of him. (Although I also want him to know that I love his body exactly as he is!) As for the rest, I channel that into reading wounded hero romances, watching tv and films with disabled characters, and occasionally writing or sketching out my fantasies, and, of course, spending some quality alone time with my fantasies and my favorite “toy”. That way I still have an active fantasy life that fulfills part of my needs but my real life is not affected or hindered by it and I can think rationally rather than obsessively about dating, about my relationship, and about my amazing partner. Maybe figure out what outlets work best for you to channel your “high-dev” energies into in a way that still keeps fantasy and reality separate?

        • RuthMadison
          Nov 18, 2011

          Ooops, I didn’t realize that (or else I forgot!). Sounds like you have a very solid way of approaching things. I like it.

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