Romantic Friday Writers: Fearful Heart

Romantic Friday Writers: Fearful Heart

http://fridaynightwriters.blogspot.com/ This blog has a challenge for writers of romance/love stories to write 400 words on a theme each Friday.  The theme this week is Fearful Heart.

This is another section of the new story I started last week. ¬†This is close to the end…

Word Count: 402. Full Critique Acceptable

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“Where is everyone?” Kaitlyn wondered. ¬†Usually her bar would be full of activity by now. ¬†It was eerily empty. ¬†Her boots made a loud thumb with each step that echoed off the walls. ¬†She pulled out her phone to call Cindy.

“Didn’t you hear?” Cinday said.

“Hear what?”

“Jason’s in the hospital. Tony called me and said.”

“How¬†would¬†I have heard that?” Kaitlyn couldn’t help snapping. ¬†Her body felt so constricted all of a sudden, her lungs couldn’t expand all the way.

“No need to be snippy,” Cindy huffed.

Kaitlyn took a few breaths as deep as she was able. ¬†“Why is he in the hospital? Is it serious?”

“I don’t know. It seems like it is.”

Kaitlyn didn’t say goodbye, she just hung up the phone and let it drop to the floor. ¬†She had never known Jason to have any health issues and his spina bifida had never effected anything. All her anger at him¬†dissipated¬†instantly like steam rising from a cup of coffee and vanishing into the air. ¬†She turned around and jogged out of the building to her car. ¬†As she drove her mind tortured her with panicked thoughts. ¬†What if he was dying? What if she wouldn’t be able to talk to him again? ¬†Why had she thought it important to torture him? To try to hurt him as he had hurt her? ¬†She had never stopped loving him, not for an instant. But she hadn’t wanted him to know that. ¬†She had been afraid it made her weak and pathetic. ¬†Now, none of that felt important. ¬†She had to tell him that she loved him.

She parked her car at the small local hospital and when she came through the doors she found all her friends, just about everyone she knew sitting in the waiting room.  No one said anything when she entered, but all eyes turned to her.  She could see the interest or surprise in many faces.  Everyone knew that her relationship with Jason was special, was different.

“Where is he?” she said.

Cindy rose and led her down the hallway. “We can only visit two people at a time,” she said. ¬†“Amelia is in there now.”

“Who?”

Cindy looked down. She obviously didn’t want to say. ¬†Finally she whispered, “His daughter.”

Kaitlyn’s heart tightened even more, though she wouldn’t have thought it was possible.

12 Comments

  1. N. R. Williams
    Sep 30, 2011

    Well done. The tension rolls off your heroine. I loved the steamed coffee vapor vanishing into the air.
    Nancy
    N. R. Williams, The Treasures of Carmelidrium

  2. Margo Benson
    Sep 30, 2011

    My goodness, the tension here! (rushes to read last week’s) The fear of not having done something comes over beautifully, full of regret.

    Thank you for stopping my mine – lovely to meet you!

  3. Beverly Diehl
    Sep 30, 2011

    Minor typos – her boots made a thumP, and his spina bifida never Affected anything.

    In fact, this sentence could be tightened: “Her boots made a loud thumb with each step that echoed off the walls. ” “A loud thump echoed off the walls with every bootstep.” which would get you under the word count.

    I would also change the end, where her heart tightens – in the beginning of this piece, it’s her chest/lungs, I would stick with that, not bring too many organs into it. ūüėČ

    But that’s minor stuff; what you do here, so very well (as you always do) is draw us into the fear and tension in Kaitlyn’s heart. I certainly hope she gets to tell Jason she loves him.

    • RuthMadison
      Sep 30, 2011

      Hehehe, thanks Beverly! You’re right.

      I was typing it in such a rush this morning. I appreciate you pointing out the errors!

  4. Francine Howarth
    Sep 30, 2011

    Hi,

    One can certainly feel Kaitlyn’s anguish in this snippet! A lovely piece in relation to the Jason’s hospitalisation. She better watch out, her love is showing through her self-inflicted “mere friendship” veil. ūüėČ

    best
    F

  5. Adura Ojo
    Sep 30, 2011

    ‘Admire your ability to paint the picture of a story so quickly in a few words, Ruth. Anyone reading about Jason and Kaitlyn for the first time would get into the story easily. Hope Kaitlyn’s fear would not get the better of her:)

    Great tips from Beverley, IMO.

  6. Linda Katmarian
    Sep 30, 2011

    I would have to echo previous comments about typos and organs, but that aside, there is strong dialog, a good image, and a fearful twist at the end. Bravo.

  7. RuthMadison
    Oct 1, 2011

    Thank you so much, everyone! ūüėÄ

  8. Andy
    Oct 1, 2011

    Hello Ruth.
    We humans and our foolish pride…we say & do things we don’t really mean!
    The fear factor was definitely present. Good feel to the story too.
    I liked the intrigue at the end

  9. marya
    Oct 1, 2011

    So well written, with plenty promise which was delivered at the end! Enjoyed it a lot.

  10. Sorry I’m so late going around reading and commenting on other’s posts. Than kyou so much for reading and commenting on my texts.

    This is such a good text. Correct the minor things that Beverly mentiones, and you have a very strong text that ends with a surprise twist. Does he really have a daughter? How is that possible?
    Yep! You’ve got me curious! I’m sure to end up reading your novel, sooner or later.

    Great stuff!
    Best wishes,
    Anna
    For the benefit of other readers:
    Anna’s REWers Challenge No 21 ‘Fearful Heart’

  11. J.L. Campbell
    Oct 6, 2011

    Oh yes, you did Kaitlyn’s fearful heart very well and it was compounded by the fact that she had a falling out with her beau. Good work.

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