New Year

2011 was a year of massive change in my life. It’s been a wild ride and I think 2012 is going to get even better.

It really came into focus that life doesn’t ever go the direction I expect or give me what I want in the way that I want it. I’ve learned that whatever goals I make need to be things directly in my own control. I can control how much I write, but not whether it will sell. I can control how open I am to dates, but not whether I will have a boyfriend.

The first really monumental thing in 2011 was that at the very beginning of the year, January 5th, I discovered www.paradevo.net.  This is a website message board for people like me, women who are attracted to physically disabled men.

Now, I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember, since I was a small child, but I had never communicated with anyone else like me. I bought into some of the negative stereotypes that are made about us and thought those devotees must be scary people.

Being able to talk to other women who have experienced this sexuality, who understand what I’ve been through coming to terms with it, was indescribably wonderful. It is still a website that I check at least every day.

Inspired by meeting people who were like me and who wanted to read the same kinds of stories I wanted to read, i.e., romances with disabled heroes, my enthusiasm for my career skyrocketed and I felt a passion and energy in my writing that I hadn’t had for years. I went from the one novel about devness to having a collection of short stories, a second novel, and several individual stories available. I have plans for four more novels and many more stories.

When I graduated from graduate school with a degree in fiction writing, I was ready to make it a career. But then I fought against crushing rejection and realized that to make a living at it would be impossible. In 2011 it again became a viable possibility and that is now something I strive for. I want to dedicate my working life to creating stories for devs and stories that will help the general public to see us in a less scary way.

In 2011 I swore off relationships. From the time I first started dating at 19, I had never been without a boyfriend for longer than a matter of weeks. After a fourth failed long term relationship, I needed a break. I was terrified to be alone, to not feel wanted, to not feel loved, but I did it anyway. I went on a few dates, but far fewer than I used to and had no relationships. I discovered that, though I am still lonely and would like to find someone, I am stronger than I thought. And there are some great things about being single too.

In 2011 I discovered that my coworkers are a great source of friends. They like many of the same things I do and there’s no reason not to hang out with them outside of work. Don’t know why it took me two years of working there to realize this. I have few friends because I have trouble socializing in the early stages of getting to know people (I overwhelm people easily), and I often felt sad and depressed alone in my apartment. Now I have people to play games with and go to dinner with just about anytime I want.

In 2011 I started giving alcohol a chance. I’ve been known all my life as the person who only drinks water. Literally. Only water. I got tired of feeling like the stick-in-the-mud, though. So I challenged my new friends to help me find alcohol I could stand. I’m pretty sure I got tipsy last week :)

In 2011 I discovered that I am capable of having physical chemistry with a non-disabled man and that perhaps my future is not as limited as I had assumed.

In 2011 I visited India, a dream of many years.

In 2011 I grew my hair to the longest it has ever been. Currently tailbone length and still going. (Having abnormally long hair has been an unfulfilled dream of mine since I was a small child).

I’ve probably become friends with more people in this year than I have ever before in total. It feels great to have friends, lots of people that I can depend on and who care about me on one level or another.

This year, my perspective has shifted dramatically and it’s a brand new world for me.

1 Comment

  1. Kiru Taye
    Jan 5, 2012

    It’s great to look back and look forward. Happy New Year.

    I’ve got a couple of your books on my Kindle. Hope to read them soon.

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