Romantic Friday Writers: Rock Candy

Romantic Friday Writers: Rock Candy

http://fridaynightwriters.blogspot.com/ This blog has a challenge for writers of romance/love stories to write 400 words on a theme each Friday.  The theme this week is Rock Candy.

I am on a roll with this new story that I started three weeks ago for a Friday challenge!

Word Count: 397, full critique acceptable

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Kaitlyn’s life changed forever in a candy store in the mall.  She was standing in the door, sucking on a red rock candy stick and waiting for Jason to finish choosing.  He was distracted by doing imitations of their teachers to make her laugh. She was gasping around the sweet glaze of the candy when something shifted. She never understood what it was, but suddenly everything in her became very still and it was as though she were seeing Jason for the first time. His head seemed to turn in slow motion, his huge smile like a beacon from a lighthouse.

They had been small children together and she had gotten so used to him that she didn’t really look anymore.  On this day, the fluorescent lights illuminating them, the smell of sugar and shoes and sweat around them, she saw a man instead of a boy. In the same instant she knew that she loved him.

It wasn’t love the way she had expected it. More than a passing emotion flitting across her consciousness, it was a solid base that had always been there. It was like a low-burning fire that had been steadily warming her for years and she hadn’t noticed until just this moment.  The desire that she always felt to be around him made sense.  The way the world seemed to have less color on the days she didn’t see him was explained.  It was just her missing him.

“Hey,” Jason said, “You still here?”  He waved his hand at her.  She smiled and walked closer to the line of candy bins where he sat.  The closer she walked, the more sense she had of some kind of electric field between them, invisible sparks tingling over her skin.  How could she not have seen this before?  Of course she loved him.

He didn’t seem to have noticed the change.  While Kaitlyn felt entirely different than she had five minutes before, suspecting that every molecule of her body might have been replaced by light, Jason was oblivious, continuing to tease her as he always did.  He finished filling his bag with candy and brought it to the counter, tossing it up on the scale that was above his head from where he sat in his wheelchair.   It was just like every Saturday, but it was also different from any day that had come before it.

18 Comments

  1. Margo Benson
    Oct 7, 2011

    What a beautiful piece! A perfect description of those feelings when the dawning of being in love strikes. Really lovely writing.

  2. madeleine sara
    Oct 7, 2011

    That’s so sweet (excuse the pun). A gentle awakening of love.

  3. Francine Howarth
    Oct 7, 2011

    Hi,

    Oh so love this piece: dawn of love awakened with sweet tooth!

    No, seriously, this is perfect!!

    best
    F

    Ha ha, just realised Margo and I are both on the dawn of love aspect.

    • RuthMadison
      Oct 7, 2011

      More of the great minds thinking alike! 🙂

  4. Beverly Diehl
    Oct 7, 2011

    What a sweet, sweet piece! Loving the moment of realization here for Kaitlyn.

    This paragraph could use some tightening: She smiled and walked closer to the line of candy bins where he sat. The closer she walked, the more sense she had of some kind of electric field between them, invisible sparks tingling over her skin. How could she not have seen this before? Of course she loved him.

    It’s better not to use the same verb (walked) in consecutive sentences, if you can avoid it. And you do such a beautiful job giving us the sensual details, I wanted to stay with the sense of touch (the electricity, the tingling), – she felt – rather than switch sense to she saw.

    Suggested fix: She smiled [you’ve got room here to add all kinds of goodness – “as if her heart hadn’t just flipped upside down” for example], walking closer to where he waited by the line of candy bins. With each step, she sensed an electric field between them [you don’t need to water this down by qualifying it as “some kind of”], invisible sparks tingling over her skin. How could she not have felt this before? Of course she loved him.

    Ruth, you have such an amazingly sensual style without bogging your stories down in a lot of description, I am always drawn deeply into each piece, and hate when it ends. Bravo.

    • RuthMadison
      Oct 7, 2011

      Thank you! Good point, repeating words is one of my weaknesses. I tend to have a very transparent and simple style, which bothers me sometimes. I’m glad that you find my stories draw you in even without a lot of description!

  5. N. R. Williams
    Oct 7, 2011

    I think it would be hard for two people who have known each other since childhood to realize there was something more. You captured this beautifully. You asked for a critique so I will add a little tidbit here. My editor had me search for ‘ly’ and ‘ing’ words and to replace most of them. Not all. This forced me to tighten what I had written and I came out with a more powerful story as a result. I hope that helps.
    Cheers,
    Nancy
    N. R. Williams, Fantasy Author

    • RuthMadison
      Oct 7, 2011

      Good tip! Technically I know not to use too many adverbs and gerunds, etc., but it can be hard to remember it in practice 🙂

  6. Linda Katmarian
    Oct 7, 2011

    Sweet realization juxtaposed with obliviousness. Nice touch.

  7. Dear Ruth,
    I love this story. The more I read your texts, the more I like them. This is a beautiful rendering of Kaitlyn’s feelings for Jason. True love should be like this.

    I’ve read the other comments, so I have no technical comments to add.

    I am so late with my own post and I never read the posts of other participants until I have posted my own text. So your lovely story is the first one I am reading for ‘Rock Candy’.

    Well done, Ruth!

    Best wishes,
    Anna
    Anna’s RFWers’ Challenge No. 22-‘Rock Candy’

  8. N. R. Williams
    Oct 10, 2011

    Congratulations Ruth, you’re the Featured Writer for Rock Candy.
    Nancy
    N. R. Williams, Fantasy Author

  9. Rebecca
    Oct 11, 2011

    Really cute little piece. 🙂 You captured the moment very well.

  10. Francine Howarth
    Oct 11, 2011

    Hi,

    Well-deserved Featured Writer. I said I loved it on a first reading, and on a second read no doubts in my mind it was a winner.

    best
    F

    • RuthMadison
      Oct 11, 2011

      Thank you so much! I feel so giddy now.

  11. L'Aussie
    Oct 11, 2011

    Hi Ruth! I’m doing the happy dance for you too! I’ve nearly awarded you many times, but each time you were pipped at the post by another excellent piece. This time your story has that extra special something (yes, I agree, there’s some tightening to be done,) and that something, that spark, is how you become a Featured Writer. You’ve used some lovely descriptions of a magical moment and my heart was thumping. Keep up the lovely work. I look forward to your stories each week.

    Denise

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